What I've been dreading for this year and half of the next -- because I get out of school in June -- is that I'll never see the people whom I've hung out with (and just now as well)...but there are other worries that I need to document.

This is officially a vent as this has been something on my mind as of late --

I know that life will go on and all sorts of things but life sucks...a lot. Especially when you're not 18 and your parent insists that they hold your hand all the way, bribing you with the benefits of a job they have and the companionship of a woman whom I probably should despise...for being six years older than me...and being married to said parent. :|

I'm having my doubts people -- about that union (that's already documented and official) -- and it made me realize how much of a skeptic I am, or have grown to be.


As kids we listened and did as told. If there was something that caught our eye on the flashing picture square with little people in it (a.k.a the tv) we emulated them, or their likeness. And we thought nothing of it. it was just something we did and thought was right or felt good. That blindness, to the consequences, was something only a kid could do since they haven't quite developed their moral system. Someone had to do it for them, until they could think for themselves. Of my childhood I'll tell you this much:

1) I dressed up as a little princess and held a little party when the dad was away at work. The entree served was no entree but a tray of hastily mixed Quik mix. We gathered in my brother's room (one was living with us that time) and listened to the music of the game he was playing in the other room via receiver and radio. He was notably annoyed. When the time came for the dad to come home, I pushed my guests out the back door while I rushed out the front door, hid behind a dumpster, and (like a stalker) watched him walk from his car to the front door of the apartment. I don't know till this day whether he saw me or not (I was wearing a pink Cinderella dress after all -- it was for a life size barbie).

2) I put a chicken egg -- the ones from the carton -- under a bird plush toy to see if it would hatch. There was even a nest I made of cotton balls. I honestly thought a chick would hatch. When a considerable amount of time passed, I was impatient and cracked the egg open. I noted the white embryo and said that a chick was going to hatch from the egg eventually! If only there was more time... haha of couse not. I was so optimistic about it too.

3) There was a time when a brother and I made a dollhouse (a simple blocky two story one) out of yugioh cards, paper and tape. The windows were saran wrap covered squares and the carpet was some thin spongy stuff that was used to keep decorative objects in place on a slippery surface. Beds were the tops of small boxes stuffed with cotton and the pillows were the round things in jewelry cases to put rings in. The characters we used for this house (and even for chess and a tactics RPG like game) were little toys and figurines, like a mini Pikachu and even a little troll thingy with the hair standing up...among other knick knacks. The toys were leftovers of a very present-filled Christmas. I don't remember the little details of the house now, like how the hell lights were incorporated into that thing but lights were there. Too bad that it was destroyed (probably by him or by the mom, not sure, I don't want to ask). The time spent with this house was time spent away from the mom, who pretty much dominated the house. It was an escape when the video games were taken away.

Of the things I tend to remember from those years were negative visions of my mom (and dad, but mostly my mom) and the embarrasing moments that bring shame to me. I barely remember the fun things. It's always the bad things.

I've tried to think of something else, or not think about it at all, but when the subject comes as to how my life was basically screwed over and turned into a confusing living hell...well, I blame the mom. Then I blame myself because I blame someone who was going through some problems that I could never comprehend (but did she have to resort to hitting their kids or unusually punishing them for miniscule things?). Why am I doing this in the first place? Why should I think of my past if it bars me from moving forward? Living in the present...whatever happened to that?

What I've been asking myself... is this:

"What am I guilty for?"

I do not cling to faith. I am a skeptic.  I trust very little but have a love for mankind and their advances. I also despise mankind for their flaws. It balances each other out. I believe that we are delusional in the sense that we give things, objects, ideas more meaning than they should have. And we blindly go along with it. I disagree with logic being rationalized by untouchable things, so demonstrated by math and lab science.

"What are numbers? What are particles?" I know particales are what makes us but we have to imagine that they're there UNLESS you have the tehnology to see them. As for numbers...well...I have nothing for that. Putting that aside, it teaches you to think logically and that certain things have certain answers, guaranteed answers probably, but that's just me theorizing.

Anywho, though I like what life has to offer (if you're willing to keep with the program) I don't see the point in it if we die and rot in the ground (or are burned to smithereens if you so prefer). (That's why people have "faith" for).

Isn't that called nihilism?

I don't agree with that too.

There is a point in life and that point is what you make it out to be. Your actions do do something to you and other people.

There's another -ism for this but I can't recall it now.

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Vent aside. Ideas are abstract (and I prefer abstract ideas). But it'll kill you. It isn't real. You can't touch abstract ideas. You can keep creating it on and on and on and it'll never end. People will take whatever idea there is, from whatever source -- it doesn't matter -- and morph it to whatever they Will it to be. In a way, we are our own Gods. We govern our life and whatever path we take. We judge others and they judge us...to name a few. If it's so, there isn't any point to wallow in abstractions (to wallow in a false reality -- in our past since it exists in fragments of memory).

So...

Live.

Whatever happens happens -- just let it be and deal with it however your able with whatever you're already supplied with.

...but it doesn't mean that real life attachments can't "kill" you either.

It's all just a matter of time.

Just saying *shrugs*