I don't have a particular subject to write about but I find it best to vent out every once in a while. As a person who probably rates on a below average on a social scale ^_^ thats probably the best medicine out there--blogs are fun!

I was thinking on school and somewhat college too. With all the lameness happening with my art block or loss of drive-- should I still go for an art school? It sounds great and all but realism doesn't happen to be my thing. Of course, at my age the realism style isn't that exciting and teenagers tend to drift away from reality sometimes so why focus on it? rather draw or depict anything in the style. Although I appreciate realism and the artists--because it takes skill to do so-- I can't bring myself to do it...alone. I figured in my junior year I'll focus more on passing my core classes, getting the right credits and then focus on my art dilemma by taking some of the art classes held there...so I have to make sure that I pass my math course (b/c I verily fail at math) D-: .

Hmm...what else is there? Besides unearthing an old song that I liked a long time ago--there isn't much going on. Later this hour I'm going to leave the house to go shopping and I'm hoping I find some new clothes for the school year or just have some fun. Speaking of fun, yesterday, though I despise the sport for some reason, I bowled. My thumb is sore because I bowled without gloves--the side of my thumb actually began to peel! It was so painful that I began using my left hand to bowl, good thing I have some control over my left hand but I still utterly failed at that.

Ah, speaking of yesterday now...I got to finish the first of The Bartimaeus Trilogy. Otherwise known as the Amulet of Samarkand. I'm now working on reading the second, as well as setting my eyes on the third installment of the series. I never thought I'd finish it b/c, at first, I was reluctant to read it for I wasn't used to the way the story was told however, I gave it a shot and couldn't put it down. Unlike Eragon, I could actually read aloud without having to pause in order to consider how a word was pronounced or just sound absolutely silly trying to sound the word out (b/c the author gave the world of Eragon it's own library of languages--which is very creative but a bit frustrating, as well as reminiscent to when I started to write my epic fantasy adventure years and years ago ). In fact, I still have the sequel Eldest in my bookshelf left unread b/c I decided to give the first one a go again--but I haven't found the time since I'm preoccupied.

Books! Maybe I should muse about books since I'm bored and somewhat out of topics. The books I like to read presently is fiction (big surprise). Fantasy, Adventure, the occasional Romance if its good, some other genres, the fiction novels based on ideas or other stories, a little Shakespeare, manga, fairy tales...I only have a few books that could be considered non-fiction but still fiction overall. Well, putting genres aside...Twilight series what's up with that? ^_^ I gave the book a shot but I found the main character and annoyance already...so I am one of the few who do not like it. (I swear the popularity is immense that I already know how it ends) --okay, putting the info aside as well. Some authors I'm keeping an eye out for are: Libba Bray (A Great and Terrible Beauty), Jonathan Stroud (Bartimaeus Trilogy), Garth Nix (Abbhorsen Trilogy, Seventh Tower, etc.)... those are just a few but these are the main people I look for on the bookstore shelves--if anything new came out or their past works so on. That doesn't mean that I don't occasionally take a peek at other authors though-- in other words, they are kind of my favorite authors at this point in time?

I'm officially bored so I'll just end my post here. Who knows? I might post again about something later that may or may not be interesting.

Just a short break from emotional stuff D-:

I've updated one of my story blogs with the short story (I've yet to finish--it's almost done--I slacked on the deadline that's why) Chrysanthemum in Winter. I've split it into parts and I've posted three so far... I hope to post more but I'm not sure if I'll get to write the final parts-- I feel like I'm rushing it a bit.

Well, that's all.

I began thinking about this around this morning...it wasn't really a dream but I started contemplating this idea just before starting my day. Its kind of connected with how I've been feeling as of late. ^_^''

The White Room

Solitude. This is what solitude looks like: a grand space of a room with nothing else but blank walls and me...but it isn't a bedroom nor the house I've known for many years of my life but rather me. The inner me, everything that makes up my self, yet, why is it white and why am I lying here? Its freezing and there is nothing to keep me warm except this nightgown and these tears.

'Why am I here? Is this truly how I am?' I think to myself 'A room full of nothingness. Solitude...but the color is white. What is white? It is the opposite of black. Black, which is technically not a color but rather the absence of color. And white is the combination of all colors. So maybe my case is this: If this room represents who I am then I don't have nothingness but everything I need already but is too pre-occupied with current thoughts that I haven't been able to see that. Whilst pursuing ambition everything else disappears and I am left wondering what happened? and that is what causes my state of misery.' A black feather. I see a black feather, then another and another. It's raining feathers now. I take one into my hands and smile, 'this black is different though.'

It's an epiphany I tell you!

I've recently neglected the computer for at least a week or so but it's been a rather satisfying break from technology. I suppose I am a little disappointed that I've barely had any of my pre-planned plans come to fruition. So, I'm dubbing this summer as another spiritual journey--to tell you the truth I have had a couple of epiphanies about life lately.

I've been thinking a lot that I'm going to go ahead and make an enormous blog entry about it, as a way of making an early welcome for August...and my junior year of high school. ^_^

Okay. During that break from the computer I swear I felt a little down. At that time I couldn't draw anything right nor bring myself to write anything. So a little freetime got me thinking. The only reason I began writing was because of a friend I had during junior high. I think it actually spawned from jealousy--and only now do I know this. I can't even write decently but I still tried to write a novel. Of course I did, I wrote away into several notebooks and even typed away a couple of hours into a word processor. However, it was very mediocre. Probably the most cliche story--now that I look back at it-- of course I was around 12 years or so...and I actually thought that I could get published. Well, whatever I did, I could never write like that person. Now that I look back I thought of my writing as more of a competition between her and I...that brings me to the subject of poems. The only thing she said that I did better than her (at the time) but that was only because I could rhyme. Presently, I barely write poems anymore nor focus much on writing that 'story.' I think I'm more better with creating ideas rather than go into depth and take the time to sit, pen in hand, and write away. Putting extra thought in that, I do have an attention problem...O_O I can barely sit still! (lol)

To put all that info together, it all comes to me not exactly a good writer. I just write whatever comes to mind so I figured--to put good use to my mediocre writing talent-- I'd rather be a manga artist.

Now onto more of my troubles that I thought over during that break. Drawing. I'd say I have decent drawing skills for my age but I'm constantly pressuring myself to draw more and more than I am able to. This causes a lot of problems because as much as I love to draw I can easily break down and get tired of it. As much as I can see an idea in my head, once I get that paper and pencil--everything turns different than what was wanted. I'm also debating between styles--I don't have a specific style that I can stick to...I'm constantly experimenting with what I do and that is kind of tiring.

And to sum that up, I don't know where I'm going with my art. I'm starting to doubt myself a lot as well as my future? Ah, if only answers could be easier to find...or if time stopped for awhile or if dreams lasted for more than one night. I've hit a brick wall as of late. ^_^''

Currently, I'm just relaxing. Too much thinking can't possibly be good. I'm also kind of happy that school is coming since every day, something new happens--and so far-- I haven't budged from where I live, sure I get to go to the bookstore on the weekends but it's very redundant. The only thing thats new is a game that I've been playing and I'm waiting patiently for the call of the volleyball coach so I can get a shot into the volleyball team. This would be my first time actually trying out for a sport...and also my first time getting a physical. (which I desperately hope is scheduled as planned) -_-''

So that's the news as of today! Cheers!

Okay so after a couple of months I finally got my period! I was really worried so I looked up some information on it earlier and there were many causes which may delay or stop it overall. Once I processed the info I evaluated myself and I have been stressing about stuff lately (ex: I had the final exams(on the friggin last week of school), I rushed a report (and even did a couple of all-nighters for it), parental issues, I was trying to rush myself on a comic I was doing, pretty much doing too many things at the same time all the while when my body was paying for it-- I was hardly eating as well) So I slept finally afterwards and ate and drank water--and then it happens once a visit to the bathroom. I cannot tell you how relieved I am b/c even the word relieved isn't enough of a word to express how I feel.

The main reason for that is that I wouldn't want to bother my father about it--he's dealing with enough problems as it is and I doubt he gives a **** about my female problems. (Please ignore that-- I haven't vented out in a while)

So I figured I'd get myself a treat. I happen to have mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches--located in the scenic garage area (we placed a fridge there). (now this is what I really want to talk about) I made my way to the fridge and found myself startled when a loud noise occured. I quickly look up and saw that it was a rat/mouse (it definitely looked a bit big so I couldn't tell) and it ran so fast that you could hear it's paws scratch against the wall! I found myself in a panic as I took the ice cream--though I tried to stay as calm as I could-- but then I began thinking that there were more and they were going to go into the house (b/c I left the garage door open) so I began to walk really fast. Once I closed the garage door I rushed up the flight of stairs, entered my room, closed the door and screamed. I was all: "OKAY, THAT'S IT. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK~ WE HAVE RATS IN THE GARAGE! IN...THE...GARAGE!!! EEEEEEEEPP!" Well something like that. (Close enough)

And there you go! My crazy AM story.

By the way, I'm almost done with Chrysanthemum in Winter. I finally got past that ballet scene--now all I have to do is finish it. *somewhat proud*