9 years ago
The Wingless pt.2
A letter came today. It was sealed with a pretty blue wax seal, a rose crest seen only in my own imaginings. I've imagined myself many times receiving a summons of this caliber to some far away town or kingdom and the results were none too desirable. Either I play the role of the Royal Fool or be a debtor for the king. Both ways I am hated and mocked. Both ways I wear some ridiculous humiliating garb that secures my role. There are no gray areas, no wayward paths or holes I can hide. Only, I fulfill the duty set out for me day in and day out.
And I watch myself live out a miserable existence, fantasy world or not. I've seen myself do so many times, thus, making me even more unhappy with my present situation - which can only be described as a blur, a gap in time, my time.
But it arrived so abruptly, this letter, disturbing the bland daily life I live. Monochrome and silent. Mouths move but no words are heard, for everyone has deaf ears. Save me, who sees nothing but this grayness, blandness, and I feel... I feel... Well, I feel absolutely nothing. What I touch, what I see, everything that should have some sensory-related response does not perform as it should.
I can walk on solid ground because I think of solid ground. And everything I 'touch' is like touching air because I thought of touching 'air'. The grayness around me is possible because I've eliminated - repressed - all the drops and bits and splashes of color I thought I didn't want.
But now I want it back.
And I got this letter in return.
The blue rose letter I've seen so often in my dreaming.
The blue rose letter that has so often led me onto the path of a capricious, authority abiding, submissive fool.
Yet it guarantees my salvation.
I've stared long enough at what I held in my hands. I bit my lip, breaking the seal as I lift the flap of the envelope. It suddenly felt heavy.
But first, what happened around me, the monochrome began to blur. The house I crafted from my thoughts slowly disintegrated, like a wisp of smoke. And though the 'solid ground' had disappeared, I had yet to fall into this devastating blackness - the result of repressing the colors I once held dear.
I proceed to remove the item in the envelope. It was an ancient key, designed after the windows in the cathedrals I liked so much, the ones in the pictures of the place in Europe I've always wanted to go to. In other words, an antique.
The envelope disappeared, burst into blue flames right before my eyes as I fell upon the ground clutching my suddenly pounding chest.
Burning, no, agonizing pain - I felt - was pushing against the bones under the skin. Breathing is hard. Seeing is hard. tears were spilling out like raindrops. And the thunder - my voice - echoed loud around me.
I closed my eyes to this pain, this noise, found that it simmered to a low thrumming - similar to a hummingbird beating it's wings until... There was peace.
And I watch myself live out a miserable existence, fantasy world or not. I've seen myself do so many times, thus, making me even more unhappy with my present situation - which can only be described as a blur, a gap in time, my time.
But it arrived so abruptly, this letter, disturbing the bland daily life I live. Monochrome and silent. Mouths move but no words are heard, for everyone has deaf ears. Save me, who sees nothing but this grayness, blandness, and I feel... I feel... Well, I feel absolutely nothing. What I touch, what I see, everything that should have some sensory-related response does not perform as it should.
I can walk on solid ground because I think of solid ground. And everything I 'touch' is like touching air because I thought of touching 'air'. The grayness around me is possible because I've eliminated - repressed - all the drops and bits and splashes of color I thought I didn't want.
But now I want it back.
And I got this letter in return.
The blue rose letter I've seen so often in my dreaming.
The blue rose letter that has so often led me onto the path of a capricious, authority abiding, submissive fool.
Yet it guarantees my salvation.
I've stared long enough at what I held in my hands. I bit my lip, breaking the seal as I lift the flap of the envelope. It suddenly felt heavy.
But first, what happened around me, the monochrome began to blur. The house I crafted from my thoughts slowly disintegrated, like a wisp of smoke. And though the 'solid ground' had disappeared, I had yet to fall into this devastating blackness - the result of repressing the colors I once held dear.
I proceed to remove the item in the envelope. It was an ancient key, designed after the windows in the cathedrals I liked so much, the ones in the pictures of the place in Europe I've always wanted to go to. In other words, an antique.
The envelope disappeared, burst into blue flames right before my eyes as I fell upon the ground clutching my suddenly pounding chest.
Burning, no, agonizing pain - I felt - was pushing against the bones under the skin. Breathing is hard. Seeing is hard. tears were spilling out like raindrops. And the thunder - my voice - echoed loud around me.
I closed my eyes to this pain, this noise, found that it simmered to a low thrumming - similar to a hummingbird beating it's wings until... There was peace.
The Wingless pt.1
It was a box. A box with many locks. And inside were wondrous treasures, sleeping - waiting, for the day when light shines upon them once more. These treasures were quite capable of changing the world. Aware of the dangers, the horrors that could be, that might occur, there was no satisfying the curiosity that pricked this tired mind like needles.
Midnight
I'm going to make an effort to post a little bit more. If not about me then about something else.
Who knows, I might start a spontaneous one-shot.
Midnight
Of day and night you change to a person you don't want to be.
Sad, for there is no reprieve, nor is there any exit as far as you can see.
Come toll, the midnight bell
Signal the change thou cannot quell
A person otherworldly brought on by delusion; an imaginary scene
Of whom vowed to protect thee, a promise made as if in a dream
Toll, toll, the midnight bell sings
A presence unwanted and wanted, but out it careens
Living among us in the everlasting world
Of delusions and illusions, as real as real can be
Attachment won't kill you (yet)
What I've been dreading for this year and half of the next -- because I get out of school in June -- is that I'll never see the people whom I've hung out with (and just now as well)...but there are other worries that I need to document.
This is officially a vent as this has been something on my mind as of late --
I know that life will go on and all sorts of things but life sucks...a lot. Especially when you're not 18 and your parent insists that they hold your hand all the way, bribing you with the benefits of a job they have and the companionship of a woman whom I probably should despise...for being six years older than me...and being married to said parent. :|
I'm having my doubts people -- about that union (that's already documented and official) -- and it made me realize how much of a skeptic I am, or have grown to be.
As kids we listened and did as told. If there was something that caught our eye on the flashing picture square with little people in it (a.k.a the tv) we emulated them, or their likeness. And we thought nothing of it. it was just something we did and thought was right or felt good. That blindness, to the consequences, was something only a kid could do since they haven't quite developed their moral system. Someone had to do it for them, until they could think for themselves. Of my childhood I'll tell you this much:
1) I dressed up as a little princess and held a little party when the dad was away at work. The entree served was no entree but a tray of hastily mixed Quik mix. We gathered in my brother's room (one was living with us that time) and listened to the music of the game he was playing in the other room via receiver and radio. He was notably annoyed. When the time came for the dad to come home, I pushed my guests out the back door while I rushed out the front door, hid behind a dumpster, and (like a stalker) watched him walk from his car to the front door of the apartment. I don't know till this day whether he saw me or not (I was wearing a pink Cinderella dress after all -- it was for a life size barbie).
2) I put a chicken egg -- the ones from the carton -- under a bird plush toy to see if it would hatch. There was even a nest I made of cotton balls. I honestly thought a chick would hatch. When a considerable amount of time passed, I was impatient and cracked the egg open. I noted the white embryo and said that a chick was going to hatch from the egg eventually! If only there was more time... haha of couse not. I was so optimistic about it too.
3) There was a time when a brother and I made a dollhouse (a simple blocky two story one) out of yugioh cards, paper and tape. The windows were saran wrap covered squares and the carpet was some thin spongy stuff that was used to keep decorative objects in place on a slippery surface. Beds were the tops of small boxes stuffed with cotton and the pillows were the round things in jewelry cases to put rings in. The characters we used for this house (and even for chess and a tactics RPG like game) were little toys and figurines, like a mini Pikachu and even a little troll thingy with the hair standing up...among other knick knacks. The toys were leftovers of a very present-filled Christmas. I don't remember the little details of the house now, like how the hell lights were incorporated into that thing but lights were there. Too bad that it was destroyed (probably by him or by the mom, not sure, I don't want to ask). The time spent with this house was time spent away from the mom, who pretty much dominated the house. It was an escape when the video games were taken away.
Of the things I tend to remember from those years were negative visions of my mom (and dad, but mostly my mom) and the embarrasing moments that bring shame to me. I barely remember the fun things. It's always the bad things.
I've tried to think of something else, or not think about it at all, but when the subject comes as to how my life was basically screwed over and turned into a confusing living hell...well, I blame the mom. Then I blame myself because I blame someone who was going through some problems that I could never comprehend (but did she have to resort to hitting their kids or unusually punishing them for miniscule things?). Why am I doing this in the first place? Why should I think of my past if it bars me from moving forward? Living in the present...whatever happened to that?
What I've been asking myself... is this:
"What am I guilty for?"
I do not cling to faith. I am a skeptic. I trust very little but have a love for mankind and their advances. I also despise mankind for their flaws. It balances each other out. I believe that we are delusional in the sense that we give things, objects, ideas more meaning than they should have. And we blindly go along with it. I disagree with logic being rationalized by untouchable things, so demonstrated by math and lab science.
"What are numbers? What are particles?" I know particales are what makes us but we have to imagine that they're there UNLESS you have the tehnology to see them. As for numbers...well...I have nothing for that. Putting that aside, it teaches you to think logically and that certain things have certain answers, guaranteed answers probably, but that's just me theorizing.
Anywho, though I like what life has to offer (if you're willing to keep with the program) I don't see the point in it if we die and rot in the ground (or are burned to smithereens if you so prefer). (That's why people have "faith" for).
Isn't that called nihilism?
I don't agree with that too.
There is a point in life and that point is what you make it out to be. Your actions do do something to you and other people.
There's another -ism for this but I can't recall it now.
...
..
.
.
.
Vent aside. Ideas are abstract (and I prefer abstract ideas). But it'll kill you. It isn't real. You can't touch abstract ideas. You can keep creating it on and on and on and it'll never end. People will take whatever idea there is, from whatever source -- it doesn't matter -- and morph it to whatever they Will it to be. In a way, we are our own Gods. We govern our life and whatever path we take. We judge others and they judge us...to name a few. If it's so, there isn't any point to wallow in abstractions (to wallow in a false reality -- in our past since it exists in fragments of memory).
So...
Live.
Whatever happens happens -- just let it be and deal with it however your able with whatever you're already supplied with.
...but it doesn't mean that real life attachments can't "kill" you either.
It's all just a matter of time.
Just saying *shrugs*
This is officially a vent as this has been something on my mind as of late --
I know that life will go on and all sorts of things but life sucks...a lot. Especially when you're not 18 and your parent insists that they hold your hand all the way, bribing you with the benefits of a job they have and the companionship of a woman whom I probably should despise...for being six years older than me...and being married to said parent. :|
I'm having my doubts people -- about that union (that's already documented and official) -- and it made me realize how much of a skeptic I am, or have grown to be.
As kids we listened and did as told. If there was something that caught our eye on the flashing picture square with little people in it (a.k.a the tv) we emulated them, or their likeness. And we thought nothing of it. it was just something we did and thought was right or felt good. That blindness, to the consequences, was something only a kid could do since they haven't quite developed their moral system. Someone had to do it for them, until they could think for themselves. Of my childhood I'll tell you this much:
1) I dressed up as a little princess and held a little party when the dad was away at work. The entree served was no entree but a tray of hastily mixed Quik mix. We gathered in my brother's room (one was living with us that time) and listened to the music of the game he was playing in the other room via receiver and radio. He was notably annoyed. When the time came for the dad to come home, I pushed my guests out the back door while I rushed out the front door, hid behind a dumpster, and (like a stalker) watched him walk from his car to the front door of the apartment. I don't know till this day whether he saw me or not (I was wearing a pink Cinderella dress after all -- it was for a life size barbie).
2) I put a chicken egg -- the ones from the carton -- under a bird plush toy to see if it would hatch. There was even a nest I made of cotton balls. I honestly thought a chick would hatch. When a considerable amount of time passed, I was impatient and cracked the egg open. I noted the white embryo and said that a chick was going to hatch from the egg eventually! If only there was more time... haha of couse not. I was so optimistic about it too.
3) There was a time when a brother and I made a dollhouse (a simple blocky two story one) out of yugioh cards, paper and tape. The windows were saran wrap covered squares and the carpet was some thin spongy stuff that was used to keep decorative objects in place on a slippery surface. Beds were the tops of small boxes stuffed with cotton and the pillows were the round things in jewelry cases to put rings in. The characters we used for this house (and even for chess and a tactics RPG like game) were little toys and figurines, like a mini Pikachu and even a little troll thingy with the hair standing up...among other knick knacks. The toys were leftovers of a very present-filled Christmas. I don't remember the little details of the house now, like how the hell lights were incorporated into that thing but lights were there. Too bad that it was destroyed (probably by him or by the mom, not sure, I don't want to ask). The time spent with this house was time spent away from the mom, who pretty much dominated the house. It was an escape when the video games were taken away.
Of the things I tend to remember from those years were negative visions of my mom (and dad, but mostly my mom) and the embarrasing moments that bring shame to me. I barely remember the fun things. It's always the bad things.
I've tried to think of something else, or not think about it at all, but when the subject comes as to how my life was basically screwed over and turned into a confusing living hell...well, I blame the mom. Then I blame myself because I blame someone who was going through some problems that I could never comprehend (but did she have to resort to hitting their kids or unusually punishing them for miniscule things?). Why am I doing this in the first place? Why should I think of my past if it bars me from moving forward? Living in the present...whatever happened to that?
What I've been asking myself... is this:
"What am I guilty for?"
I do not cling to faith. I am a skeptic. I trust very little but have a love for mankind and their advances. I also despise mankind for their flaws. It balances each other out. I believe that we are delusional in the sense that we give things, objects, ideas more meaning than they should have. And we blindly go along with it. I disagree with logic being rationalized by untouchable things, so demonstrated by math and lab science.
"What are numbers? What are particles?" I know particales are what makes us but we have to imagine that they're there UNLESS you have the tehnology to see them. As for numbers...well...I have nothing for that. Putting that aside, it teaches you to think logically and that certain things have certain answers, guaranteed answers probably, but that's just me theorizing.
Anywho, though I like what life has to offer (if you're willing to keep with the program) I don't see the point in it if we die and rot in the ground (or are burned to smithereens if you so prefer). (That's why people have "faith" for).
Isn't that called nihilism?
I don't agree with that too.
There is a point in life and that point is what you make it out to be. Your actions do do something to you and other people.
There's another -ism for this but I can't recall it now.
...
..
.
.
.
Vent aside. Ideas are abstract (and I prefer abstract ideas). But it'll kill you. It isn't real. You can't touch abstract ideas. You can keep creating it on and on and on and it'll never end. People will take whatever idea there is, from whatever source -- it doesn't matter -- and morph it to whatever they Will it to be. In a way, we are our own Gods. We govern our life and whatever path we take. We judge others and they judge us...to name a few. If it's so, there isn't any point to wallow in abstractions (to wallow in a false reality -- in our past since it exists in fragments of memory).
So...
Live.
Whatever happens happens -- just let it be and deal with it however your able with whatever you're already supplied with.
...but it doesn't mean that real life attachments can't "kill" you either.
It's all just a matter of time.
Just saying *shrugs*
Plans and Spam comments...
First things first...
I put the word verification on...again after receiving spam comments that linked to porn sites. That is not okay with me at all. :| So, word verification for now (I don't like it myself) but it's working. I haven't been having spam as of late so I'm content. Someday, the WV will go away. Hell, I might take it off after this post to see if they post spam again -- shall report on that later.
Second...
It's really really cold in California and I could never be more happier about it, if only it wasn't a nuisance to bundle up in two sweaters and gloves -- it's even more annoying when you're walking and your ear phones fall off every so and so number of steps (because I walk home everyday and I walk very fast). My fingers feel like they're going to fall off every time I take off the gloves...and that the wind is mad at me since it's practically lashing out at my face :| Haha, what a bad joke. ^^
Thirdly...
I'm feeling somewhat better about the whole split persona thing. Turns out, I'm just delusional :D no, no, it's just me being confused and anxious. I'm not sure what about but it is confusion that's for sure. No point in me whining about it, but there are times where I can't help but do something because it bugs me.
For example today, in Art class, two people had to clean up after the whole table. We were working with water-based clay so there was residue that dried onto the table top. This was to be cleaned with sponges. Basically the girl who cleaned my side of the table did not do such a good job as the sponge was barely even wet so the residue was spread around in circles pretty much. And this was a black table so it was bad...like snail trails.
I litereally felt my eye twitching as it dried and, not wanting to lash out at the girl since she didn't want to do it in the first place, I got up and attempted to clean it. I cleaned it enough to make it less of an eyesore but it was not enough. My fingers were twitching then. Nervous habit. >> I couldn't even look at the other people at the table.
I guess I'm one of those people that have to have things in a certain way or else they won't function "right." It doesn't happen a lot though, only because there haven't been instances on this particular scale that happened before so I can't know for sure. (Or maybe I'll never know).
Fourth...
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories for the Wii is...a MASTERPIECE (for a game). :)
My god, I finished it last night and I cried (I got the good ending, I believe). The Silent Hill franchise rocks dammit. It just does. Sucks though that the main and most awesome composer ever resigned from the company, Konami, so there probably won't be any more SH games (just maybe). Whatever he goes out to do, the best of luck to him.
IMO, this is pretty biased since I'm a fan but, oh well. This is the interwebs after all. :)
download link
^ Just one of my favorite songs to listen to at the moment (I'm going to find a way to rip the soundtrack instead since I have it and all so I can share it with you blogging people).
Fifth...
I'm working on reviving Little Miss Murder. As well as something totally unrelated (but as more of a stress reliever).
I had some plans for that story, even though it is experimental in regards to story telling and something I did in my spare time. Mmm... I'm not too confident about the next chapter because of me being too technical with my writing lately so it reads out to be a bit cluttered (darn essays :) ) rather than smoothly as one would read a narrative. (Honestly now, since when did my narratives "flow?" I'm really not sure what expect from my writing. So far, I'm assuming that to be my style -- unorthodox -- since I can't plant my butt on a chair long enough focussing on one sing;e thing.) Blog posts are different since my mind is able to wander...like now.
I'll be looking over it some more before I make it official.
Sixth...
Winter break is coming up and it's going to be...cool (another pun?) My brothers will be coming over to visit and it'll be a videogame filled two weeks. That's going to be fun. :)
Also, I'm making a cookie pizza to bring for a potluck in Anatomy next Friday. Half chocolate chip and half sugar cookie. I'm not sure how that's going to taste/turn out but if it does, I'll make some mention of it...with pictures.
I put the word verification on...again after receiving spam comments that linked to porn sites. That is not okay with me at all. :| So, word verification for now (I don't like it myself) but it's working. I haven't been having spam as of late so I'm content. Someday, the WV will go away. Hell, I might take it off after this post to see if they post spam again -- shall report on that later.
Second...
It's really really cold in California and I could never be more happier about it, if only it wasn't a nuisance to bundle up in two sweaters and gloves -- it's even more annoying when you're walking and your ear phones fall off every so and so number of steps (because I walk home everyday and I walk very fast). My fingers feel like they're going to fall off every time I take off the gloves...and that the wind is mad at me since it's practically lashing out at my face :| Haha, what a bad joke. ^^
Thirdly...
I'm feeling somewhat better about the whole split persona thing. Turns out, I'm just delusional :D no, no, it's just me being confused and anxious. I'm not sure what about but it is confusion that's for sure. No point in me whining about it, but there are times where I can't help but do something because it bugs me.
For example today, in Art class, two people had to clean up after the whole table. We were working with water-based clay so there was residue that dried onto the table top. This was to be cleaned with sponges. Basically the girl who cleaned my side of the table did not do such a good job as the sponge was barely even wet so the residue was spread around in circles pretty much. And this was a black table so it was bad...like snail trails.
I litereally felt my eye twitching as it dried and, not wanting to lash out at the girl since she didn't want to do it in the first place, I got up and attempted to clean it. I cleaned it enough to make it less of an eyesore but it was not enough. My fingers were twitching then. Nervous habit. >> I couldn't even look at the other people at the table.
I guess I'm one of those people that have to have things in a certain way or else they won't function "right." It doesn't happen a lot though, only because there haven't been instances on this particular scale that happened before so I can't know for sure. (Or maybe I'll never know).
Fourth...
Silent Hill: Shattered Memories for the Wii is...a MASTERPIECE (for a game). :)
My god, I finished it last night and I cried (I got the good ending, I believe). The Silent Hill franchise rocks dammit. It just does. Sucks though that the main and most awesome composer ever resigned from the company, Konami, so there probably won't be any more SH games (just maybe). Whatever he goes out to do, the best of luck to him.
IMO, this is pretty biased since I'm a fan but, oh well. This is the interwebs after all. :)
download link
^ Just one of my favorite songs to listen to at the moment (I'm going to find a way to rip the soundtrack instead since I have it and all so I can share it with you blogging people).
Fifth...
I'm working on reviving Little Miss Murder. As well as something totally unrelated (but as more of a stress reliever).
I had some plans for that story, even though it is experimental in regards to story telling and something I did in my spare time. Mmm... I'm not too confident about the next chapter because of me being too technical with my writing lately so it reads out to be a bit cluttered (darn essays :) ) rather than smoothly as one would read a narrative. (Honestly now, since when did my narratives "flow?" I'm really not sure what expect from my writing. So far, I'm assuming that to be my style -- unorthodox -- since I can't plant my butt on a chair long enough focussing on one sing;e thing.) Blog posts are different since my mind is able to wander...like now.
I'll be looking over it some more before I make it official.
Sixth...
Winter break is coming up and it's going to be...cool (another pun?) My brothers will be coming over to visit and it'll be a videogame filled two weeks. That's going to be fun. :)
Also, I'm making a cookie pizza to bring for a potluck in Anatomy next Friday. Half chocolate chip and half sugar cookie. I'm not sure how that's going to taste/turn out but if it does, I'll make some mention of it...with pictures.
Stupid dreams...stupid me as always
(I'm most likely going to write a one-shot about this later)
It's disturbing actually. In it, I was running away from the dark but I couldn't since it was everywhere and everything. Even if it was light out, there was always a way for the darkness to follow and scare me.
Put's a whole new context to someone afraid of their shadow...I guess.
Anyway, this is absolute nonsense. I can't stop thinking about it though. Everytime I have to go outside either it be the hallway or the restroom...anywhere! It..just creeps me out (creeps us all out) since whatever the hell is scaring me all the time is me (or another me, the me I don't want to remember because almost everyone I knew when I was that old me associated me with a certain scary movie that I absolutely can't stand).
It's ironic that I like scaring people (or surprising them in a way).
Haha, so I'm scaring myself. Karma, much? (Man, I'm screwed :p )
Argh, I'm so stupid sometimes. Who knows, my personas may stem from my immaturity and aren't really "real" and is my excuse to "relive my childhood." There's a lot of possibilities. Me being a delusional SoB is one of them.
It's disturbing actually. In it, I was running away from the dark but I couldn't since it was everywhere and everything. Even if it was light out, there was always a way for the darkness to follow and scare me.
Put's a whole new context to someone afraid of their shadow...I guess.
Anyway, this is absolute nonsense. I can't stop thinking about it though. Everytime I have to go outside either it be the hallway or the restroom...anywhere! It..just creeps me out (creeps us all out) since whatever the hell is scaring me all the time is me (or another me, the me I don't want to remember because almost everyone I knew when I was that old me associated me with a certain scary movie that I absolutely can't stand).
It's ironic that I like scaring people (or surprising them in a way).
Haha, so I'm scaring myself. Karma, much? (Man, I'm screwed :p )
Argh, I'm so stupid sometimes. Who knows, my personas may stem from my immaturity and aren't really "real" and is my excuse to "relive my childhood." There's a lot of possibilities. Me being a delusional SoB is one of them.
(she/he wants to talk so I'm letting them -- and I did see one earlier tonight)
Mother dear I saw a falling star
To-night I wished with all my heart
That you vanish forever
Father dear I saw a falling star
To-night I wished with all my heart
That you are smashed into tiny pieces
Brother dear I saw a falling star
To-night I wished with all my heart
That you rot from the inside out (to feed the insects, you see)
Sister dear I saw a falling star
(And what a marvelous sight)
To-night I wished with all my heart
That you live a thousand years before you return to dust
Ah me, did we tell ourselves that we saw a falling star?
(It streaked across the black in a slow gait -- was it even a star at all?)
To-night I wished with all my heart
That I die the most horrible death, for wishing the most vile things of people around me.
I do not deserve to live
(but I'm still here no matter how many times I wish I was not).
To-night I wished with all my heart
That you vanish forever
Father dear I saw a falling star
To-night I wished with all my heart
That you are smashed into tiny pieces
Brother dear I saw a falling star
To-night I wished with all my heart
That you rot from the inside out (to feed the insects, you see)
Sister dear I saw a falling star
(And what a marvelous sight)
To-night I wished with all my heart
That you live a thousand years before you return to dust
Ah me, did we tell ourselves that we saw a falling star?
(It streaked across the black in a slow gait -- was it even a star at all?)
To-night I wished with all my heart
That I die the most horrible death, for wishing the most vile things of people around me.
I do not deserve to live
(but I'm still here no matter how many times I wish I was not).
I don't like this game anymore.
I like Crunch bars...apparently
To get that cosplay post out of the way...
How is everybody?
Just last week, first quarter ended so we had to rush on tests and the like. Surprisingly, I think I did pretty well, but you know how hoping goes (that later on you did worse than you thought). Then, three weeks later, right before Thanksgiving break (a week long break - huzzah!) we'll have a district assessment (and the three weeks after that and so on... I believe I've ranted about this before...if so, sorry for being repetitive). All in all, I'm not partial to tests.
To tell you the truth, there have been times where I could have blogged about something...but I chose not to (stupid me). I really should try to blog more...
It's (somewhat) unrelated, but it's funny.
The reason I haven't been blogging are two things: school and video games.
School is self-explanatory. This is my last year, everything has to be in order to graduate. This enables the imaginary Stress-o-Meter in my brain to rise, rise, rise...almost enough that the meter is at it's breaking point. Playing games helps, but that means less time for drawing and writing (well, I can't really say writing since I've been writing random ballads and poems, with some related to a particular story etc.).
I feel like I should delve more into the games I'm playing so I might do a post on that since I just finished playing Fire Emblem : Shadow Dragon. :| A loooot of things I want to rant about that...but that's my gamer side talking. :D He's angry, he's German, he's a gamer and he likes Crunch bars!/bad inside joke.
This could just be another figment of my imagination since childhood. The personalities I mean. Talking to yourself doesn't mean that there's another you, nor does it mean that you're crazy (doesn't it?).
Anyway, now you know why I'm anti-social (haha). I'll introduce you to these de-lightful people later when I figure out why they're here in the first place (and the reason besides, "They're here because I believe they're here."). Well, I'm off to be my own psychologist since there is no time (or money) to see a professional one.
Sorry if my first post back is a bit on the negative side.
How is everybody?
Just last week, first quarter ended so we had to rush on tests and the like. Surprisingly, I think I did pretty well, but you know how hoping goes (that later on you did worse than you thought). Then, three weeks later, right before Thanksgiving break (a week long break - huzzah!) we'll have a district assessment (and the three weeks after that and so on... I believe I've ranted about this before...if so, sorry for being repetitive). All in all, I'm not partial to tests.
To tell you the truth, there have been times where I could have blogged about something...but I chose not to (stupid me). I really should try to blog more...
It's (somewhat) unrelated, but it's funny.School is self-explanatory. This is my last year, everything has to be in order to graduate. This enables the imaginary Stress-o-Meter in my brain to rise, rise, rise...almost enough that the meter is at it's breaking point. Playing games helps, but that means less time for drawing and writing (well, I can't really say writing since I've been writing random ballads and poems, with some related to a particular story etc.).
I feel like I should delve more into the games I'm playing so I might do a post on that since I just finished playing Fire Emblem : Shadow Dragon. :| A loooot of things I want to rant about that...but that's my gamer side talking. :D He's angry, he's German, he's a gamer and he likes Crunch bars!/bad inside joke.
This could just be another figment of my imagination since childhood. The personalities I mean. Talking to yourself doesn't mean that there's another you, nor does it mean that you're crazy (doesn't it?).
Anyway, now you know why I'm anti-social (haha). I'll introduce you to these de-lightful people later when I figure out why they're here in the first place (and the reason besides, "They're here because I believe they're here."). Well, I'm off to be my own psychologist since there is no time (or money) to see a professional one.
Sorry if my first post back is a bit on the negative side.
Where I babble about Cosplay...and Life
I can't remember when I last posted something not writing-related...
Well, school is going along okay. Also, I have been getting into poetry lately (because we're reading Beowulf in class) and that's certainly interesting. A lot of papers have accumulated since I wrote my first lyric poem and am thinking of getting a separate binder to put them in, instead of cramming it down notebook sleeves.
Here's some news: I'm going to be 17 next Saturday and I'm not sure whether I should be excited or...not excited. It's only a number but I'll be that much closer to being seen and accounted for as an adult (as it so happens, it's likely I'll have to buy insurance for myself soon - give or take several years since I plan to go to some college). And...frankly... I'm not liking that. Only because I'm still undecided as to what I want to do, well, I am (somewhat), but it seems more like a dream to me (by that I mean to draw or become an illustrator of some sort).
So yeah... I'm pretty anxious about it and no matter how much I try to not think about the future - just all the possibilities and all - I can't (or I obsess about how much I can't suppress the fact that I am worried).
But, to go to a lighter topic, Halloween is on a Saturday this year! I plan to dress up and possibly take pictures! After weeks of thought it's official that I'll be cosplaying this year as...
I watched the anime and loved it. I'm planning to read the manga soon since the manga is always better and is much longer than the animation.
Anywho... It's going to be my first time cosplaying (though I doubt I'll be going to an anime convention anytime soon - b/c it's a given that people will recognize you and stuff which makes dressing up more enjoyable since you're around fellow fans).
Unlike some amazing people out there who make their own costumes I have to go shopping for the pieces - I've even changed the costume up a bit so it fits my body type. In the cosplaying world (yes, I've about googled my fill about this subject) specific details are a plus BUT because of my height - and the nature of his clothes (a bit loose up top since his body type - like most anime characters - is impossibly small and lean) I'm sure it'll look awkward if I had gray trousers with an oversized jacket. If it's anything, I've changed those trousers to somewhat short shorts and hopefully knee-length socks (or higher). So, it would almost be like the female version of him but also not because of this picture...
...yep.
Shopping around - got to keep to a budget you know? - is going to be a pain because I've made it mandatory on myself to assemble the pieces I already got/have (sweater, dress shirt) with the ones I need to see if it fits with everything else... I'm just wondering how I'm going to sneak the shoes in... >.>
In hopes of moving on from me talking about my costume it's a decent anime about modern ninjas. Way, way shorter than the ever-so popular Naruto and ten times more emotional.
And just mentioning emotional, I must mention as well that I cried (hence why I'm a fan).
All in all I liked it but it's not for everybody (like...boys for example because shounen-ai is hinted - boy's love - even though it isn't like that >.> well, not in my mind...not sure about everyone else).
Maybe it has a lot to do with a woman being the creator/ artist? (b/c it has that emotional element to it that's kind of downplayed in regular shonen stories).
What else to mention...?
Oh, I know it's autumn and all (hooray) but my room is still stupidly hot (and I'm not partial to heat). So I've been camping up in the parent's bedroom since it's much cooler - and I said this to explain why I haven't been on the computer much...at all.) I have been online for special instances however, like school stuff and updating my fictionpress account - just throwing it out there /fail
Right now, if it came up, I'm using my dad's laptop so thank it people because it made this post possible xD...and Kanye bites donkey-butt for his remark (now he's a meme - lol - but some people disagree it seems:)
xD Anyway, I hope everyone's doing well - I can see you're all posting though! I wish I had some time to look over them but I have to get to work on homework - my anatomy class is oh so tedious (tons of notes, tons of drawings to go with the notes, and review questions that number to approximately 3 to 4 pairs of hands...at least!).
Okay...now back to looking up info on Beowulf for that essay...
... /phael
Memes are hilarious.
Well, school is going along okay. Also, I have been getting into poetry lately (because we're reading Beowulf in class) and that's certainly interesting. A lot of papers have accumulated since I wrote my first lyric poem and am thinking of getting a separate binder to put them in, instead of cramming it down notebook sleeves.
Here's some news: I'm going to be 17 next Saturday and I'm not sure whether I should be excited or...not excited. It's only a number but I'll be that much closer to being seen and accounted for as an adult (as it so happens, it's likely I'll have to buy insurance for myself soon - give or take several years since I plan to go to some college). And...frankly... I'm not liking that. Only because I'm still undecided as to what I want to do, well, I am (somewhat), but it seems more like a dream to me (by that I mean to draw or become an illustrator of some sort).
So yeah... I'm pretty anxious about it and no matter how much I try to not think about the future - just all the possibilities and all - I can't (or I obsess about how much I can't suppress the fact that I am worried).
But, to go to a lighter topic, Halloween is on a Saturday this year! I plan to dress up and possibly take pictures! After weeks of thought it's official that I'll be cosplaying this year as...
Miharu Rokujou from Nabari no Ou ( or Ruler of Nabari)!
I watched the anime and loved it. I'm planning to read the manga soon since the manga is always better and is much longer than the animation.
Anywho... It's going to be my first time cosplaying (though I doubt I'll be going to an anime convention anytime soon - b/c it's a given that people will recognize you and stuff which makes dressing up more enjoyable since you're around fellow fans).
Unlike some amazing people out there who make their own costumes I have to go shopping for the pieces - I've even changed the costume up a bit so it fits my body type. In the cosplaying world (yes, I've about googled my fill about this subject) specific details are a plus BUT because of my height - and the nature of his clothes (a bit loose up top since his body type - like most anime characters - is impossibly small and lean) I'm sure it'll look awkward if I had gray trousers with an oversized jacket. If it's anything, I've changed those trousers to somewhat short shorts and hopefully knee-length socks (or higher). So, it would almost be like the female version of him but also not because of this picture...
...yep.Shopping around - got to keep to a budget you know? - is going to be a pain because I've made it mandatory on myself to assemble the pieces I already got/have (sweater, dress shirt) with the ones I need to see if it fits with everything else... I'm just wondering how I'm going to sneak the shoes in... >.>
In hopes of moving on from me talking about my costume it's a decent anime about modern ninjas. Way, way shorter than the ever-so popular Naruto and ten times more emotional.
And just mentioning emotional, I must mention as well that I cried (hence why I'm a fan).
All in all I liked it but it's not for everybody (like...boys for example because shounen-ai is hinted - boy's love - even though it isn't like that >.> well, not in my mind...not sure about everyone else).
Maybe it has a lot to do with a woman being the creator/ artist? (b/c it has that emotional element to it that's kind of downplayed in regular shonen stories).
What else to mention...?
Oh, I know it's autumn and all (hooray) but my room is still stupidly hot (and I'm not partial to heat). So I've been camping up in the parent's bedroom since it's much cooler - and I said this to explain why I haven't been on the computer much...at all.) I have been online for special instances however, like school stuff and updating my fictionpress account - just throwing it out there /fail
Right now, if it came up, I'm using my dad's laptop so thank it people because it made this post possible xD...and Kanye bites donkey-butt for his remark (now he's a meme - lol - but some people disagree it seems:)
xD Anyway, I hope everyone's doing well - I can see you're all posting though! I wish I had some time to look over them but I have to get to work on homework - my anatomy class is oh so tedious (tons of notes, tons of drawings to go with the notes, and review questions that number to approximately 3 to 4 pairs of hands...at least!).
Okay...now back to looking up info on Beowulf for that essay...
K.WEST: YO, LAELAH, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND I'M GONNA LET YOU FINISH BUT GILGAMESH WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST EPICS OF ALL TIME!!
... /phael
Memes are hilarious.
From: urlesque
Yo, Kanye, I'm really happy for you. I'm gonna let you finish, but LOLcats had the best internet meme of all time! Oh, AND, Rick Astley is never gonna give you up!
by:// pepper - Sep 15th 2009