Thanks to Luna I finally got around to getting a new blog background!

I've been meaning to change it because it was getting a little bland...

Besides me having to re-do the widgets and I'll be putting another widget on there soon I finally decided what story to do. For the past few days I've been meaning to write something but I didn't know what until now. I created several blogs for some stories I had but I hid them from public b/c there was nothing in them anyways (except for one but that was put on hiatus). Once I update on that I'll probably put it on the blogroll.

I think that's all I have to say. I don't have anything to rant about today since today went along pretty well. All I did today was relax for a bit, listen to music and sketch in my sketchbook. And me, being a vk nerd found some new visual kei bands to listen to. (thanks to Last.fm)

So far I'm just going to play around with the widgets while still listening to vk music. :-)

An onion a day...

Now you know it's good when words are typed in caps right? (Well not all words but...this is an exception)

Although I was about to close the computer for good so I can sleep again...I figured I've slept for too long. I really have! I had a monster headache this afternoon so I took a nap. However, before that, I woke up around 7 in the morning and I saw a spider on my window blinds and just freaked out. I spent my afternoon downstairs for the most part, trying to figure out what to eat. Having separators in your mouth really hurt! (and the reality of me getting my braces is finally coming true next week when I come in for banding) In addition to your teeth steadily moving and aching, I had a hard time chewing, in fact, I can barely chew at all. Plus, I barely have anything in my house that was...erm...non-chewable. D-: So I settled for some soft cheese and a porridge I made by combining rice, milk and a little salt. I even tried a little corn but that experience was unbearable.

I guess you can say, I'm somewhat happy and somewhat not. My feelings and all that are always in conflict with one another that it's kind of nerve-racking. But I forgot most of that by finishing Ink Exchange by Melissa Marr and starting on Child 44 by Tom Rob Smith. Stalinist Russia always fascinated me, probably because the History teacher I had last year made history not sound like a big bore (which was my ignorant view on it in middle school). It was always interesting, learning about the events that happened around the world...though I wish some of the students should've treated him better.

Ah well, anyways, a new year is coming up and I'm reluctant/excited to go back. Registration was on Tuesday and I thought everything was going to be fine but I was still as awkward as always. *slaps self* Especially when I had to go in the library to get my books (I even forgot to get them to issue me a locker! (which they'll probably run out by the time I ask them)) there were so many people crammed in there and I couldn't help but look to the floor. I should've been comfortable since I knew a couple people there but that didn't happen. I was kind of hoping someone would save me by talking or something or saying hi...but I hope too much don't I? If anyone of them saw me and cared enough to ask me why I looked so down I'd probably be a little happy. Too much wishful thinking again. (and I'm actually wondering if someone beside relatives are worrying about me--a kind of selfish thought isn't it?) Then again, I was with my mother, and they (the people I knew) were busy since they were helping the librarian...my mother is an intimidating person (if you knew her like I did), though the height isn't so much as intimidating.

A lot of senior moments lately though...both of my parents. D-: And it's kind of annoying how they try to tell you things you've already heard like two or three times...OR cause trouble for the cashiers at Barnes & Noble by giving them a book that had no barcode sticker on it AND actually expect them to find the cost for it BUT weave your name into the reason why they thought that the cashiers would find the price for it...if that made any sense at all I salute thee... Also, when they just plain not listen when you try to tell them something and have to repeat for who knows how many times!

...Okay, ranting is done. I'm done and I'm going to sleep before the sun rises.

Humm...an early post today but only because I found myself worrying incessantly about my skin. HOWEVER, thats only because I started using Proactive! Oh jeez...I know. Plus, I never start worrying about something unless I have this gut feeling that something bad is going to happen if I don't take ahold of the reins and stop. Just stop.

I already doubted the infomercial and have always distanced myself from celebrity advertised products but, as a teenager who is pretty much socially withdrawn but desperately wants a new beginning...(gee, that's a handful to say) I'm ashamed to say that I let down my guard. Sure the feeling of my skin is great and it actually feels clean but there has to be something wrong when your skin starts to have an adverse reaction to it...and its only reasonable to stop using it but then comes the thought of finally having clear skin AND confidence (and a possible remedy right there in your face). These past few hours I've been debating on whether to push away the irritations and continue the treatment regimen OR to stop before it's too late and my skin is ruined AND I'm stuck having to purchase this product for forever!

My irrationality almost got the best of me so I went to the only thing that could help me when I'm having a tough decision (and this is life-altering if you think about it)...the opinions of others. So the trusty computer was booted up and I got sleuthing. As I've said before, I've always doubted the infomercial but this just CONFIRMED my suspicions. Seeing reviews of the product and then forum posts and the like I finally pushed away Proactive and am returning to the salicylic treatment. I just hope that my skin gets better soon. )-:

*sighs* Now I'm just tired. I lost a good amount of sleep too just from worrying about this. <:-)

I've recently got to writing on a journal I bought long ago...somehow when I type the words don't come as easily compared to longhand. I've also been in a slump so I easily broke in about 5 or so poems--anyways, I thought that I'd post my best and somewhat most personal so far...although it doesn't seem like a poem. (Well I could be wrong about that...and I probably overdid on the bold text thing)

(btw, Paramore rules!)

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"Redemption"


Confrontations,
Something I cannot do.
With fear holding me back
a constant pressure on my shoulders--
a pain--
long past this time.

I lock the door,
close the windows--
and hide from this world.
A blanket, this pencil and my thoughts
unravel and flow
out like tears.

A small smile and a wave
a bow.
I constantly look down
only to realize a small, meager self
who easily blends and shrinks
among the scenery.

Hidden feelings,
a closed heart,
shadow corrupts the sky,
that once shone so clearly,
that once smiled...
begins to rain.

No sun, nor moon,
no stars
to light this path;
an already
overlooked path--
redemption.

Can the world be closed off
so easily? a life and this song
I cannot sing,
see,
hear,
breathe.

I suffocate
or do I drown?
No walls for protection
and I freeze.
Desperation causes me to
succumb to this life.

I want to change,
to remove this backdrop
of loneliness and
disparity--light
cannot shine unless
the clouds disperse.

I want to see the moon
and the stars
and the dark sky--
the ambiance of night--
to see the sun rise again
and the picturesque light.

My despair shall follow
like the shadow at my feet--
like the coming of afternoons
and evenings--
a consistent and eternal
shadow that I cannot escape from.

Smile,
be happy,
run fast and
feel free...
turn around,
and the shadow remains.

Reality may not be my best friend.
I want an escape--
a world I created
with these hands,
these tainted hands managed
to create something pure.

The air of innocence
the naivete' of pre-adolescence,
a child's world--
my escape.
A dream that seems too real
and yet false.

But should it matter?
This world exists for
forever
but would disappear in
the real world.
Can I sleep forever?

Material things
lose value as
this body grows and
the stars look less bright.
I hang my head low, my heart aching,
for this un-dirtied world.

Hopelness...
but happiness
as I hold this pencil,
as I continue forging
that so-called pure world--
my world.

How long must I hope
for a better reality?
How long will I continue
to hide
and always
seek for an exit?

I want a
change
in
life but I
don't want
to lose
my way.

Learn and
adapt.
Accept the fact
that these worlds cannot possibly
coexist? or
exist together?

A child's thought...
to have to choose between
two things
but desires both
...
to benefit from both.


Consequences
and
confrontations
go well
together
don't they?

I run from consequences,
I appease rather than
fight.
I can't fight back
for I lack the
power and strength.

I may devise
or think twice--
to find a way out of a
situation I'd
hate to be in.

The clouds close in.
The rain turns to
white--it snows.
Stuck in a rut once again,
my hands and lips turning blue...
and I am lost within the white.

Pure white...
am I undeserving?
This world I created backfires
so I reel back,
I cry as I blow
at the burns on my hands.

Stand up or you'll be
lost forever,
underneath everything
you created--
this voice I hear is faint
but the words are strong.

Did I not desire to
sleep forever?
Then why do I still
try to stand?
My eyes heavy and I
lost all feeling in these hands.

I suddenly desire
the acceptance of others,
to find that road...
the one that's mostly seen
when the time is 'too late'...
but I'll keep looking.

I will try to forge
my own path if I
cannot find it.
Seeing as I am now,
I probably have already
lost sight of it.


I will try to
depend less on others.
I will be
the driving force...
I will, I desire,
to succeed on my own terms.

Even if I cannot
see the stars anymore,
I will, instead,
forge my own
and follow the light it brings,
no matter how meager.

Even this pure world
is corrupt...
but with this newfound light
--I can rebuild it
as many times I want.
As I see fit.

I want to burn everything
and build
over the ashes;
the remnants of this past.
Like a phoenix,
I want to be reborn.

It's around 3 in the morning and I could never be more tired. I just finished sketching the rest of my audition for an OC Tournament that I plan to take part of in dA. I didn't know how many times I had to edit the original audition so it ended up being twice or so much pages in the end. (originally 5-6 pgs, now 11 pgs) Now I plan to ink one pg a day and submit as well...only so I can finish the reference page. I'm still entering the Lilith chara that I drew a couple times in past posts but I decided to change a couple things--especially her background info (so goodbye pointed ears! (they seemed a little overdone anyway))

That's pretty much what I've been doing...as well as musing at a new manga project. It's another short story that, is presently, called A Prince in the Top Hat. I got the title b/c I thought of those tricks that magicians do where they pull a rabbit out of the hat. lol-moment. I rather like the title, though long, but no one else has taken it. To put the story in a few words, it's very shojo and somewhat tragi-comedy--it might be a little cliche but I'm doing this one for fun since I'm experimenting with real life bgs. I actually plan to take pictures and use those as the bg for the comic. I've yet to write about it but I'm just throwing the idea around--though I already know how I want it to end and begin.

Ah, well I should get to sleep now. Maybe then I could finish that fairy tale I started a couple days ago...

I'm feeling a little better today but my arms still hurt and if I move too much I get a little dizzy. (I don't think that that's normal.) Anyways fishing was fun--however, what we were doing was considered illegal. O_O'' (some guy, who was fishing nearby, told us this) After catching 10 or so fish (this was on Sunday btw) he comes over and tells us that any fish below 18 inches was illegal to keep, with the exception of catfish. So I'm sitting there saying: "Let's put them back then." And...we keep them anyway.

Once I got in the car I was so mad. D-:< My father, being the single-minded dope he is kept laughing about the ordeal and kept repeating the same damn thing all over again. "So under 18 inches is illegal huh? 18 inches..." (Gah, imagine hearing that over and over again mixed with some stupid idiotic chortle--we could've been fined for 300 dollars apiece for those fish! And all they were going to do was eat them! D-:< ) I was dead tired when I got home so I showered, ate a bit of candy and took a nap...and no, I refused to eat any of the fish we caught. (Now my anger is surging up again as I type this so, yes, I'm technically ranting now.)

Maybe I should explain a bit on why I was angry and didn't eat any of the catch.

Right before the guy came up I reeled in a fish that would've been 6 or so inches (not sure on the size but it was the largest of any fish that I caught). Right during the process of removing the hook from it's mouth the guy comes up and starts telling us about the laws and how it's illegal and stuff. I'm sitting on one of the chairs listening in on the conversation and then I turn to see the fish I caught being held by it's freakin' gills and it's bleeding! The guy who was holding it (a person who works under my father) was just standing there with the fish like that with some stupid grin too. I was about to throw up, and being this empathetic person, I had to feel sorry for the fish. Then, right after the guy leaves, my father instructs the same person who was holding the bleeding fish, to get the rest of the catch and to put them into the cooler. (My reaction to this was simply WTF?)

We pretty much packed up and left. During that annoying car ride, I put the volume on my ipod on high just to block out the irksome laughter from the driver since I sat in the passenger seat. Then I thought about on what the guy told us. I didn't know much about fishing nor the rules-- and I should have checked them out when I had the chance the day before-- but they suddenly made sense to me. Though I wish I could remember it, if it wasn't for this headache I'd probably rant more about it. D-: Then again I would like to stop talking about negative stuff.

In other news, I'm not sure if I'll be updating two pics today. I'll probably get to work on one since I'm kind of tired. Plus, tomorrow I have an appointment at the orthodontist and, on the ride there, I have to deal with my crazy mother...or just crazy lady preferably since they're getting a divorce. I'm going to look for some new trance music so the ride is more bearable.

...and many people would say that talking bad about the person who birthed you into the world is pretty much bad but they don't know who she is. Pretty much anyone would say that and to forgive people like her...D-:<

Jeez, I'm just full of anger today. :'-|

Just a few minutes earlier at this very same hour I began thinking of some pictures to do with certain concepts, I figured I might as well list some of the things I thought of:

Lilith Concept
-the fallen angel who searches for children to kidnap/kill
Samael Concept
- fallen angel who's name means 'the blind god'
Greek Muse, Urania
- the muse of the heavens/astronomy
The White Room Dream
- concept of the inner self
Any Fairy Tale
- either one by myself or by a different author (ex. Grimm brothers, Aesop, Hans Christian Andersen...)
Dark + Light pic.
- (I've always wanted to do something like that)

Horoscopes
Modern Outfits
Innocence
Violin & Cello pic.
Pictures from Favorite songs...

P3 fanart?


If you haven't noticed by now, I'm really into the meanings behind names-- it's always interesting to see/hear about. :-D I might add more ideas as soon as I think of them.

I can't believe that it's already August! It's almost crazy that school is starting all over again--ten months I say, TEN MONTHS! :-D

Though, I'd be lying if I wasn't a little excited. Practice hasn't started yet and I'm a little worried that I'm missing out on volleyball stuff but I understand since the school is being renovated. The last time I saw the school was on the side of the road and O_O... well, I saw that most of the portables from East Campus were already gone!

Ah, I'd better call my coach--if I have the guts too! Gah...social awkwardness. D-':
Anyways, that's pretty much it for what's going on in life as of now...and I don't think that this is even news. :-D