All right so on the last post I asked for questions and here are the answers -

From Mmm Bunnies:

What's the timespan for Year Zero?

Technically two months for the main events - it starts in mid-May, goes through the whole of June and ends a couple of weeks in July.

What is your favorite color?

Purple, white, gray, red, blue... Cool colors mostly but purple has been my favorite ever since I started using crayons.

What do you usually wear? (Ex: Jeans & t-shirt, dresses, leotards, etc.)

Comfort is what I think of first both outside and at home. Outside I normally wear jeans (not that I have much of a choice since I live in a male-dominated household - has six step-brothers, seven if you count the adopted one who lives abroad, and two step-sisters who also live abroad) and loos shirts or tank-tops with a jacket/sweater. I do like girly clothes and would like to wear skirts (the long kind since it's tedious when you have to buy pants) or dresses so I settle for camisoles. And on my good days out or to school I wear blouses with the sleeves tucked to the elbow.

Where do you find your user avatar/icon/thingies?

Here mostly and sometimes here. Or I crop pictures - but that takes a lot of time and I'm lazy.

Random-ass questions pulled of the internet:

When are you most alert? Morning or night?

Nighttime. I'm fairly nocturnal come summertime. Plus, I like the eerie silence sometimes - though creepy - it's soothing. plus, people are less likely to bother you about anything... Though you have to watch out for those dark hallways though...

Do you prefer to be inside or outside?

Depends. If it's hot, I'll stay inside. If it suddenly began to snow or rained, I'll go out for a walk or two around the neighborhood. I don't get out much so I prefer inside naturally. Now, if it wasn't such a hassle to go outside I would go out more frequently (not that there's much to see).

At what temperature are you most comfortable? When you are hot, cold, warm?

Warm. But it depends too, especially if it's winter you'd want to be warmer. If it's hot you'd want it to be cold. :| I'm indecisive and it's become habit to assess both situations.

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

Closed... Don't want things to come out there you know? >.>

Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?

...No. But my mom's been known to do that. I think there's a bag full of them tucked somewhere...

Do you like to use post-it notes?

I do. In fact I've been using sticky notes to help with outlines for the chapters and such. The bright colors help me focus on that needs to be done.

Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

A bear. A big rolling bear. I can't stand bees or insects or anything with more legs than necessary. Hell, bees fly too. Who would avenge me after they fly away? Actually, how?!

Do you always smile for pictures?

With braces? No. But it's getting easier. I actually want to smile and laugh in public without covering my mouth. >.>

What is your biggest pet peeve?

Probably people slamming doors/cabinets/drawers of any kind. Even moreso than my dislike for annoying pushovers...

Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

I've tried and got distracted, then tried again. I ended up forgetting the number I left off on when I turned around to see the other end of the street.

Do you ever dance even if there's no music playing?

If I'm in a good mood...I might do that but stop immediately because I know how silly I look.

Do you chew your pens and pencils?

Nope. That's another pet peeve. You let someone borrow your pen/pencil and then they return it with bite marks... I let them keep it. I'm not really a germaphobe. I just don't like having something that was once in someones mouth or gnashing at it with their teeth - my imagination tends to overreact about these kinds of things.

What is your Song of the week?

The Used cover for Burning Down the House by Talking Heads. The original sounds so...weird. Loved it after watching Transformers 2 with friends... It was an all right movie. >.>


Do you still watch cartoons?

Heck. Yes. But not so frequently atm.

What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

Silent Hill, Spirited Away, Howl's Moving Castle...a lot if I had the time.

Can you change the oil on a car?

I can try. I've seen my dad enough to not try it for myself.

Ever gotten a speeding ticket?

I don't own a car so no.

Ran out of gas?

By being literally exhausted that you can't move anymore - then yes.

Favorite kind of sandwich?

A friend made me try this - it was just lettuce, cheese, ham, in halves of a croissant. Good stuff.

What is your usual bedtime?

...Lately, sometime deep in the morning hours.

Are you lazy?

Must that really be answered? >.>

Afraid of heights?

Used to and now I can enjoy rollercoasters! Woo! *half-hearted smile* Another pet peeve: rollercoaster pictures. You're caught up in the moment and your screaming face is caught on a camera and is shown at the end of the ride... What is riding a rollercoaster supposed to be glamorous?

Sing in the car?

I have.

Dance in the shower?

...Tried.

Dance in the car?

Kind of nicked my elbow that time and I suddenly felt dizzy.

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

A florist. Then I wanted to be a psychiatrist before I changed to psychologist. Then an artist for my writer friend. And then I wanted to be a writer. I changed again but this time to an Illustrator (but that doesn't seem to be working out). And now I'm back to just writing. It's too stressful to think about what you're going to be doing in the future.

Do you believe in ghosts?

I don't, yet I do. Either way, anything dead or anything we perceive as dead is creepy.

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Too many to count.

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Holy... YES. >:-|

Take a vitamin daily?

Yep.

Wear slippers?

Absolutely. You try wearing fuzzy socks (this was during winter) and walking on a wooden floor. It almost never ends well.

First concert?

A Britney Spears one with my cousin who didn't want to go alone. It was fun and it was a school night too. For the rest of that week I was so exhausted that I couldn't hold a pencil right.

Ever won a spelling bee?

In the fifth grade... They tried to trick me with a silent letter I think. I was so nervous.

Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

Plenty of times. I also cry when I laugh really hard. It gets worse when they join in because I won't be able to stop laughing!

Who would you like to see in concert?

The Used, Muse or Nine Inch Nails... That'd be awesome.

Can you swim well?

Just barely. I can float as long as I don't panic... *panics then drowns* I stay at the shallow end only because I have issues with deep water.

Are you patient?

Yes but I snap at times and it isn't pretty.

Do you want to get married?

Not sure yet.

Do you have kids?

o.o No.

Do you want kids?

>.>'' Still undecided...

Do you miss anyone right now?

Now? I can't really say no so sure why not? I miss a lot of things.

Wee! A Personality Test!

Apparently my personality type is:

Quiet, reflective and idealistic. Interested in serving humanity. Well-developed value system, which they strive to live in accordance with. Extremely loyal. Adaptable and laid-back unless a strongly-held value is threatened. Usually talented writers. Mentally quick and able to see possibilities. Interested in understanding and helping people.

Some careers that would fit me are:

Writers, artists, counselors, social workers, English teachers, fine arts teachers, child care workers, clergy, missionaries, psychologists, psychiatrists, scientists, political activists, editors, education consultants, journalists, religious educators, social scientists.

I'm more:

Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling and Perceiving.

How strange that that personality test got me spot on. o.o Okay, that was a lengthy post... Will probably post something else soon but now, sleep. *dozes on the keyboard*

So I can say I finally made it to 100 posts. But, truthfully, it doesn't feel any special. Yes. Gorillas high-fiving sharks is completely normal - right, and my name is Stefan (and it's not).

Also, I've delayed on posting because I have no idea what to say (even though a lot of things are happening that can be considered good).

I've planned out the next chapter for Year Zero and have went further on to fleshing out the future parts of the story. I've also arranged the site in a way so (I hope) it would be easier to navigate. These past few days I've also edited bits of the chapters that bothered me - and now to write, write, write!

...if it was only that easy to plop down on my chair and "write like hell." Yet, I can't, at least not so tomorrow because I'll be going somewhere with friends.

Oh. Here's something funny though. Click!

Amazing isn't it? I knew PCs were evil.

Okay, I have no idea what to write and my thoughts are scrambling around like a series of fire drills have gone off and all they can do is panic... *thinks*

So, if you like, suggest a post idea or ask questions and I'll answer them like an FAQ or interview. There's no limit to how many questions you can ask since I have very few readers (but awesome people nonetheless). Though, I suggest not asking (if you're even interested) in what will happen later on in the YZ0 story. BUT, you can ask a question directed to the characters if you like (lol) or of the other characters (in the steaming pile of FAIL Love of Fate was).

Dmitri & Alice: (simultaneously) Hey!
Authoress: (cowers) Don't worry you guys, you'll make a comeback after the world fights the demons in Russia.
Alice: But that's too far!
Authoress: Well you try and multi-task young lady between two different worlds and multiple perspectives!

Alice pouts, the authoress sighs, Dmitri watches Scrubs indifferently. Alice glares at Dmitri.

Alice: Do something won't you?
Dmitri: Eh...I don't want to. If she gets angry she might change my name.
Alice: (waving arms around wildly) So?
Dmitri: (deadpans) I was referring to you.
Alice: (smacks forehead) I was being sarcastic. Besides, she liked your name better than mine in the first place. It was bound to change sooner or later! And for your information Dmitri you -

Authoress nabs Alice, covering her mouth with her hand.

Authoress: Quiet! (looks around) You can't say that... Readers are present.

Dmitri sighs, shaking his head.

Anywho... You can ask about life, personal questions, my writing, my favorite color >.> I can trust you all to be creative! Like asking me hypothetical/abstract/conceptual questions instead and my answer will be an interpretation of said question.

If I don't get any questions that's fine (though I will be wasting this prime opportunity of a post title ---> Laelah 101 *cough* lame *cough* but it's bloody accurate (and I thought it was funny in a desperate way))

All right. I think I've had enough fun with this post. :)

Three cheers for creativity! Woo!

EDIT: 6/29/09 Fixed the 'Click!' link. >.>

By day you can't see what comes out at night. The moon is our ally as the sun is yours.

Through our glass eyes we see the future. At first it is hopeful - to finally get out of this cage - and then it turns to dust. What merriment we did share diminishes throughout the night when you are dreaming of much better things.


Oh ambitious child, take me out once in a while. Seat me upon the chair fastened by reeds and poppies. Put a clean apron round my collar and set the table to sup. A breeze would tip this artificial body over, soiling the fabrics you've carefully dressed me in. I'm sad and disappointed because I can only wait. Dirty and alone, you set your tea down and pick me up, brushing the dirt away and smoothing my hair. Oh how you love me ambitious child.

Oh ambitious child, you really love me so, don't you? Even if you've grown so high and so pretty and tall. You'll take out me once in a while won't you? I know you will and I'll wait for as long as you like. I know you're busy but I know you think fondly of me. Of course you do, I'm kept high on the shelf next to your precious books, which I guard while you're away. I know you'll come back for me.

Oh ambitious child, please change the view will you? In front of me has been a painting which I disapprove of. It's dark and gloomy and you too have changed. Oh child, bring me down. I can comfort you. But all you've done is cry angry tears and slam doors and walls. You go outside but you never take me. Child, what has happened to you?

Oh ambitious child, do you hate me? My hair hasn't been combed and my dress not properly fluffed. A filter of dirt is over my eyes and I can't see a thing. Everything is so blurry and I am so confused. I can't watch over you anymore and you never taking down that painting only proves it. Oh child, I know you're lost and your tired and angry and hurt. It's been a week since you've been here, in your room - have you abandoned us all child?

Oh ambitious child., do you know how long it's been? I can barely see you but I know it's you. Smoothing my hair and straightening my dress...did you know I fell over while you were gone? I'm sorry, but I was so sad. I'd thought you left us. Oh child, you've swept the dust away! Oh child, you still love me, I know you do. Now you've set me down again, next to all of our little things... Do you remember? We used to have so much fun... Shall we be going outside? Oh, how long it's been...

Oh ambitious child, I despise you so. You've locked us away in a tiny dark box. In this darkness all I can see is that painting on your wall. That's all I can see. And the more I see it the more my hatred grows for you. Oh child, you foolish child. You've scorned us all.

I hate you.

Dear...

Would you take to heart what I told you? What everyone told you? No. I know you better than anyone else and isn't that a little sad?

I know you'd tell me, "It's isn't sad at all. One person is enough."

Well, I confess, one person isn't enough to shoulder your burden...

Do you remember the day we met? How about the days after? The years following... I can't think of anything now - but I'm not sorry.

It started off with you telling me nothing before you opened up and told me your past -

Had I known then that what kept your heart closed was a heavy lid meant to cover up the black hole that was your heart. Had I known that everything you told me made me pity you rather than love you more as a friend. Had I known everything I know now, it might not have ended this way - might not - but this illusion you set for yourself had to end some way. Except in this ending, I won't be there in your future.

I pity you. I pity your existence. And these tears that never stop falling is a symbol of how much pity I feel for you. Yet...you take them as drops of love - while I take them as drops of shame - shame that I couldn't get you to hate me enough before I left forever.

Don't you understand?

That you carry too much of your past that it stops you from living in the present, for the future?

Do you know?

That you carry around a mask and a magic wand - seeing and making the things that only you want to see and believe?

And these clothes you wear are an illusionist's clothes. You don't exist. You don't even want to exist. I bet you've asked yourself - "Why exist when there's nothing to exist for?"

I think it's for the better that you don't follow me. Don't think of me. Don't even think to see me when I'm not there.

I will never be there because I personally made sure that I never would, ever again.

Still, even if you read this letter, you will never understand. But words say more than our speech. And this is what I've wanted to tell you -

Close off not the present and look to the sun. Live in it's light and walk where you want to walk. You can never stay in the shadows, haunted by your past regrets and burdens - they have ceased to physically exist - those hurts - the day after they healed. The only problem is that you kept them in your head - letting them take over every nerve and synapse in your body leaving you on guard 24/7. That isn't living. Yet, you walk among us all.

So look back and tell me - tell it to my cold, dead face - of the memories we shared. Tell me if they meant something. Or did you wipe them off your shield?

You forced the hand that led me to take my life. If that isn't enough for you to realize your mistakes than I don't know what else will.

I am not sorry.

For Carry on Tuesday #6.

First of all - a tag

Rules:
1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Copy the image above, the rules and the questionnaire in this post.
3. Post this in one or all of your blogs.
4. Answer the four questions following these Rules.
5. Recruit at least seven (7) friends on your Blog Roll by sharing this with them.
6. Come back to BLoGGiSTa iNFo CoRNeR (PLEASE DO NOT CHANGE THIS LINK) at http://bloggistame.blogspot.com and leave the URL of your Post in order for you/your Blog to be added to the Master List.
7. Have Fun!

Questions & Your Answers:
1. The person who tagged you:
2. His/her site's title and url:
3. Date when you were tagged:
4. Persons you tagged:

1. findingmywingsinlife
2. http://findingmywingsinlife.blogspot.com/
3. 6/20/09
4. (I don't specifically like to tag people but here goes...)

Mmm Bunnies
Jehsyka
Helen

...and anyone else who'd like to do this (I tried). *head desk slam* I'd upload the gif of an angry PC user doing the head slam thing but I'm too lazy to go searching in photobucket. o_o

In other news...Father's Day was fun. We went out to eat Chinese and I took pictures (if only I could find the cord for my camera I'd upload it). Then, the day after, I cleaned my room where I ran into a sharp corner and nicked my knee. After that, the day after, my whole body was aching (and it still is, barely). And then I got to writing. Speaking of writing--->

I've been meaning to do that (b/c Mmm bunnies does those spontaneous update things on her sidebar and I don't want to mimic her but it's pretty handy instead of posting here whether I updated the story or not) but I couldn't look at the computer screen without cringing at the words I'd typed so far. Also at the playlist I was arranging in itunes (yes, I'm rambling since it's been four days since posting). *eye twitch*

And now I'm going back to working on the next chapter. It's shorter so I might be able to get it in by the end of the week (and that's me being hopeful).

So here's something awesome to end this post with: one word so little time

I love that site and if you want to stretch your writing muscles visit it and try it out (if you haven't already). There's a couple of instances this past week where one word (the site) got me writing again after stopping for awhile because something doesn't sound right.

And that's it for me. Just three more posts and it'll be 100!

My god. It feels like a long time (okay maybe a day or two) since I posted something that's actually from me and not from my characters.

It kind of feels like an eternity because that's all I've been thinking about...stories, stories, stories, characters, characters, characters, plot, plot, plot, write, write, write...STOP. Just for a little bit. And it feels like I'm not living any life and my body is only a husk where all my other selves can move in...and the not cool part is...they don't have to pay rent becuase there isn't any.

But, since I've told Mmm Bunnies to keep writing (in several spam-like comments) then I won't stop either. :)

So here's something I wrote about an author unconsciously making a deal with the devil in order to finish her manuscript in time which I wrote just earlier in my confuzzled state (thank you Jehsyka for that awesome word - a mixture of "confused" and "puzzled") To read it click ----> the 13th hour.

Google Docs comes in really handy so hooray for Google! *claps* But, my timed break is almost over.

So, in a nutshell what I wanted to say was -

I love writing and I'll never give it up.
I love drawing. I'll never give that up too.
I love listening to video game music no matter what anyone says.
I love reading, especially the blogs of internet friends.
I love blogging.
I love blogging at nighttime (duh, it's the best time to blog).
I love how I sound so positive in post!!! (ah! tone down the hyper!) and I forgot to add "this" before "post!"

But...I hate how the word love in my perspective means less than what others perceive it to be. So replace all those "I love" to "I really like" but it isn't as catchy.

And there we go...just a couple more posts and I'll have 100 (4 more I think).

And a now quote from a short novel I finished today - Dawn by Elie Wiesel (the very same who wrote Night, yes you know the one) -

"Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true... The tragedy of man is that he doesn't know how to distinguish between day and night. He says things at night that should only be said at day."

And...how can I end a post without a cat picture?

++After this I'm getting back to writing YZ0 >_>'' I'm also a Castlevania music nerd...



Wandering the crystal blue, you wonder sometimes if what belongs there is true. It could be a beautiful hapless dream - of delusions in the light of boredom. Momentary visions of what cannot exist - at least of what we can't take into our own hands and control. So it doesn't exist.

As for the reason why this boat rocks so much is because of the effect water has on solid objects. You can't fully grasp water - unless it's frozen - so we gave it this dreamy mysterious quality. It is nothing but an ethereal form - ephemeral. It can't exist. Nothing real exists there.

So what is it then? This face I see staring back... Is the sea just a mirror? A dark, dark, petrifying mirror that shows us the past? the present? future? I look deeper and deeper, catching my sleep-deprived face in the water, holding it for awhile in my brain - a snatch in time in the ever flowing water. It eventually fades with the tiny waves and ripples. Do I exist?

In this merciless body of water. I certainly can't stand in it else I want to drown. So I'll exist, only temporarily, only long enough till exhaustion racks my frenzied limbs when trying to swim to shore - when there isn't one in sight - and I have enough oxygen in my lungs to scream in the empty blue up ahead. Instead of sending some form of help - some form of solid ground for my feet to stand on - it echoes the sound. Mocking, mocking, mocking...my cry of helplessness in this human-dominated world...

I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't exist.
I don't...
...
...
..
..
.
.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

I immediately opened my eyes, the blinding rays of sunlight scorching my periphery.

"Get on out of here! Out! Out! OUT!"

Oh crap. I fell asleep again didn't I? It must've been or else I wouldn't have been caught.

"Quit lookin' at me like that kid. Don't make me sic the dogs on you." He was literally red as a tomato. If I wasn't in danger - like, actual danger 'cause those dogs are vicious - I'd laugh. "GET OUT!"

I scrambled out the pool, the swimming tube under my arm. Right when I was at the gate the sound of barking was right behind me so I ran the hell away from there. "Sorry Mr. Wazowski! I'll never do it again! Promise!"

That wasn't his name. I just called him that for the heck of it.

"Never do the same thing twice," that's what someone smart said to me. And it's right, in a way. I shouldn't do the same thing twice...

I'll bring friends. Next time.

"Isn't that a little stupid?" they'll probably say.

No. So I'll say, "Dude. He has a freakin' pool."

So next time it is.

I know that there was something - some kind of purpose - to these dreams I'd had for the past few weeks. A town, somewhere along the shore that called to me like a ghost of a memory I once had.

It was of course of a friend whom I knew and played with as a child. It was of course of a friend, whom I knew, had died. It was the night that showed me his face for multiple times and it is the night that I blame for my unwillingness to sleep. And the thought of it all is absurd.

I asked a friend to drive me there, that little town, for the weekend.

It hadn't changed much, not from what I remember of it. There was also that same smell, probably the smell of the smokestacks of the factories or the fish market - at best a mixture of both. But that wasn't the destination I had in mind.

What I thought of was the lighthouse. Burned by the accidental fire that later killed my friend. It was rebuilt - of course it would - built all shiny and new. It was insulting in a way and I wished for this contraption to collapse.

"What are you looking for?" she said to me. For the past minute or so, I'd done nothing but stare at this damned lighthouse - seeing...remembering the charred remains that took him from me. "Fae. Fae!"

I closed my eyes for only a moment, feeling a wave of dizziness rack my brain. Then there was his face and then a scream - and in my groggy state, I couldn't tell whether that scream was real. All that I know was that it echoed in the blackness and I was out like a light.



I woke in a cold sweat. My clothes damp and restricting. But amidst this I knew what he wanted me to do - what I repressed because of the fire.

I wasn't in a hospital of any sort, just the first aid room in the lighthouse. I rose to my feet feeling the previous drowsiness and heaviness melt away due to the adrenaline rush of realization.

I failed once. Failed to be there for him lost in my grief that later resulted in my moving away. And what I left behind was the only light he left in that tragedy.

Bursting past the doors and ignoring the concerned cries of my friend hurrying behind me, I jumped down to the shore, the sand softening the impact. It was all too familiar because we'd walked here many times, too many times that we gave every sea-creature and stand-alone rock a name. But I had forgotten those now and they too had moved on with the deliberate passage of time.

And there it was - the hollow in the rock as I remembered it which I struck with another sharper rock in order to loosen it. Once done, I took the cover of the hollow and brushed the sand off the cool surface of the lunch-box I predicted was there. My friend had appeared at my side by the time I had this rusted box in my hands.

My heart beat frantically, the face of the boy and his voice clear in my mind, as I opened the box to find a few keepsakes and a scrap of stationary. Among the keepsakes were old toys and baubles, items I remembered that we found or salvaged, giving each and every one of them a significant meaning that only a child can grant. I'd forgot about that too and I despised that fact that he - having haunted my dreams for who knows how long - wouldn't just remind me instead of me having to dig deep through my memories of the days I didn't want to remember.

I then took the paper, unfolding it to reveal his handwriting and a poem that struck a chord in my strained heart-

i dreamt of a town
and a face with a frown
and -would you guess-
his face wasn't all too pleasant

i couldn't see
what was to become of me
of the hellfire-like emotions
slowly consuming me

if this is to be
what i shall leave
as the last proof
to prove my sanity

then - so be it

and so my friend in the dark
i bid you good night
and weep for your loneliness
because it's all too clear why you appear to me and me only

we are the same
too much alike
too hauntingly alike
that i'd rather never see you again...

I lowered the letter to my lap, letting whatever tear fall where they may. The boy was laughing at me now. Laughing a terrible laugh that echoed like a never-ending spiral over and over and over...

Closing my ears against this broken-record of laughter, the paper blew into the wind, landing and eventually submerging into the watery deep lost for eternity.

So it's finally over.

Even though school ended a couple of hours ago, I've been sitting here stewing over plot ideas and thinking about absolutely nothing while listening to music...also I have to mention that it's terribly stuffy and hot (and it'll get even more horrible later on in the summer).

I don't know how I did this year. All I now is that it would probably be best if there was that non-existant reset button at the ready. But I can't do that because then that'll mean that everything I'd have written because of my troubles and everything that I've read would be erased. Also, what I changed about my room would disappear and I'd also have to relive getting these damn braces. Dammit all. :) But I mean this in a good way. So things haven't been well. So things are ruined and they should stay that way right? Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on what I do further on.

All I know is that I'm a year from graduation and the happy face I saw dancing around in sixth period today shouting that it was "one more year till we go into the real world" I couldn't have felt more worried. Then I realized that if I thought about it too long I would never get my essay done on time (but I did finish it and got to writing bits of the next chapter).

I don't want to dwell on the future because it doesn't exist yet and I also don't want to go all paranoid and try to avoid it in some way like Holden Caulfield (Catcher in the Rye).

I'm rambling but I'm feeling slightly more focused now that this is out of the way. So, here's a random cat picture...