I've been listening to The Village soundtrack for awhile now... It's actually all I've been listening to.
You would've understood me, had you waited for the day when your memory willingly returned.
Dear...Would you take to heart what I told you? What everyone told you? No. I know you better than anyone else and isn't that a little sad?
I know you'd tell me, "It's isn't sad at all. One person is enough."
Well, I confess, one person isn't enough to shoulder your burden...
Do you remember the day we met? How about the days after? The years following... I can't think of anything now - but I'm not sorry.
It started off with you telling me nothing before you opened up and told me your past -
Had I known then that what kept your heart closed was a heavy lid meant to cover up the black hole that was your heart. Had I known that everything you told me made me pity you rather than love you more as a friend. Had I known everything I know now, it might not have ended this way - might not - but this illusion you set for yourself had to end some way. Except in this ending, I won't be there in your future.
I pity you. I pity your existence. And these tears that never stop falling is a symbol of how much pity I feel for you. Yet...you take them as drops of love - while I take them as drops of shame - shame that I couldn't get you to hate me enough before I left forever.
Don't you understand?
That you carry too much of your past that it stops you from living in the present, for the future?
Do you know?
That you carry around a mask and a magic wand - seeing and making the things that only you want to see and believe?
And these clothes you wear are an illusionist's clothes. You don't exist. You don't even want to exist. I bet you've asked yourself - "Why exist when there's nothing to exist for?"
I think it's for the better that you don't follow me. Don't think of me. Don't even think to see me when I'm not there.
I will never be there because I personally made sure that I never would, ever again.
Still, even if you read this letter, you will never understand. But words say more than our speech. And this is what I've wanted to tell you -
Close off not the present and look to the sun. Live in it's light and walk where you want to walk. You can never stay in the shadows, haunted by your past regrets and burdens - they have ceased to physically exist - those hurts - the day after they healed. The only problem is that you kept them in your head - letting them take over every nerve and synapse in your body leaving you on guard 24/7. That isn't living. Yet, you walk among us all.
So look back and tell me - tell it to my cold, dead face - of the memories we shared. Tell me if they meant something. Or did you wipe them off your shield?
You forced the hand that led me to take my life. If that isn't enough for you to realize your mistakes than I don't know what else will.
I am not sorry.
For Carry on Tuesday #6.
June 26, 2009 at 6:13 PM
Thank you Missy.
June 26, 2009 at 10:05 PM
Sometimes life is just confusing as... Well written piece. I enjoyed it.
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