I must be crazy to start writing spontaneously from a list I made up yesterday. A total number of 32 titles - unless I add more of course. I call it the "Possible Title List" because I was thinking up of a good title for that vampire story (so far still unnamed). I said to myself, because I was getting possible titles for everything else BUT that story, "Why not write them out?" And I did.
One of those titles was -
The Castle of Cloud/Klaude/Klaude's Castle
So now you know why I had that piece up in the past post. Now for the angry part.
"Why did you start this now?!!?" *headdesk*
Now for the excuses part.
"Just to start writing so I can follow up with the unfinished chapters in the other stories."
Now for the "You idiot" part.
"Still, you should've left it as a one-shot, you idiot."
And then for the "Wait a minute" part.
"Wait a minute, it isn't like I knew it was going to blow out of proportion. Besides, it's for fun. It has no deadlines or anything of the sort."
"But so is everything else you started - except that one thing a year ago... Still. you should've waited maybe, or thought it over. Working on three stories while having to cough up drawings? What are you doing to yourself?"
"Doing what I love of course. Writing, drawing... I know it should matter because everyone else I know has their futures laid out for them while I don't. One's getting married, the others going to community college to study, another is moving out and another is probably going to go nowhere (no offense whoever I'm talking about, I'm pulling out examples from my currently dead brain). The uncertainty, of course it scares me, but I can't sit here and worry about things that don't exist!"
"Your point?"
"So... My way of coping - way of staving off the worrying - is to write what I've always wanted to write about, whatever comes to mind, whatever troubles I'm going through - every single thing that I see and hear goes into my writing somehow. It's the medium that I'm much more comfortable expressing myself freely."
"...you do know your setting yourself up for a great fall? Those worlds you've created, yes, those you hide yourself in, eventually it'll consume you whole and what will happen then?"
"That's why you're here. you can stop that from happening."
"But you don't listen!"
"Okay. Yes. I admit, I write sometimes on impulse -"
"Sometimes?"
"Hey, you've got to give me some credit now. I write because I want to and I can. Sometimes it's impulse, sometimes it's obligation or determination to see those chapters accumulate in your documents folder or get to a certain scene you particularly like."
"...okay."
"But talking about writing is so much more simpler than actually doing it. It's actually - everything, life, drawing, writing...not so much writing, just some specific stories are giving me trouble at the moment - starting to collapse, like the floor just...dissolved, or is dissolving slowly. I feel I need guidance, yet I don't want it."
"There's an easy solution."
"What?"
"Get out more. Walk the block - and not in your head or just down the stairs - actually go outside, wear pants and shoes and walk. The thing when writing, everything consumes you even if there is no specific rise in word count. The worlds, the characters - their voices, desires, loves and hopes and their fate - you hold them all in your mind and that wears you out. Before you know it everything mixes together, becoming a single monstrous entity that you carry like Atlas and the sky. So, mentally, you get crushed and maybe you can take the pressure but it eventually gets to you. You know your limits but even then you disregard that - thinking you're invincible - and push the envelope. And it's all for the characters."
"I love them all, shouldn't that matter?"
"Yes. but, love itself is like fiction. It isn't a physical like a person. It's an idea, an emotion - a character - and is malleable. It's definition is different for everyone and is used in different ways. Love is indirect. Adoration is a bit more closer to being clear with what you say. Think of it like this: Love is to Adoration; Beautiful is to Attractive; Movie characters to the Working man, you know, that guy working down the block at the construction site. You don't see them whistling."
"Now it's my turn to ask your point."
"Of course you love your characters. You made them. But you can't physically show them you care and vice versa. They don't exist so your love is, as it's multiple definitions, very empty. You're only saying it to give them more meaning."
"And...?"
"That'll kill you. You fear Death. I know you - I am you - and you don't want to die not doing anything."
"Sure. But the mad part of being a writer - the madness of being "brave" - is to face your fear."
"Oh. Right. Like being "brave" in writing is helping you in real life."
"Okay. I'll consider that -"
"It's true!"
"Alright. But I don't want to live in real life..."
"There's your problem."
"But it isn't like I know that. Since we're being honest, I envy everyone else who isn't missing out on...on whatever this time of our lives is supposed to be... BUT, I do not envy the things that some people do to themselves just to "live" among other teenagers. At least, what I'm doing, isn't so life-changing as, say, having a baby when you're seventeen."
"..."
"I don't want that kind of "real-life." My "real life" is different. Besides, this is summer. My last summer as a k-12 student. Next year it'll either be "college kid" or "freeloader." You'll just have to see - that's what everyone says."
"... Being uncertain is killing me."
"And I embrace being uncertain."
"This is giving me a headache."
"I know - I'm you remember?"
"Why the hell be a writer? There's the options of being an illustrator...or a psychologist. Ach, this ache is killing me..."
"Haven't I already covered that?"
"In a nutshell, please."
"I'm insane, duh."
July 23, 2009 at 6:19 AM
Is this argument in your head because it sure did make me chuckle :)
And I LOVE your new look! It's gorgeous!
July 23, 2009 at 11:14 AM
1. I love the new layoug. Is its amazing.
2. Do you know why I came here in the first place? Because you had a navigation bar! But thanks for the blogger/home link. I'll need to make that for myself.
3. We are insanely similar. And it's kind of creepy.
4. Sometimes it's impulse, sometimes it's obligation or determination to see those chapters accumulate in your documents folder or get to a certain scene you particularly like. Yes, kind of. Do you know how cool it is to see that you have over nineteen documents in a folder? (Yes, I've started on chapter nineteen, but then I went back to chapter eighteen because then I could suddenly write some of it.)
5. I like the sound of Klaude's Castle.
Okay, long post is long so I'm going.
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