I believe that deeds speak louder than words. I'm afraid of being left behind and thus bring others down with me. Optimism and Pessimism is just another way of describing the weights over your Left and Right shoulder. I feel I can't cry because it'll deem me a weakling. I like screaming into a pillow or else I'll be reprimanded for making noise. The one person I really hate is myself because that's the person that hates everyone else. And blames everyone else. I bring myself down. A person I love is myself because it balances out the hatred. Fairytales are real. I take words and re-invent the meaning. Call me old fashioned because...well, I am. I may like Japanese things but I am not a Japanophile. Open-mindedness is key to understanding all life but to know absolutely everything about life is absurd. I want to shoot Raskolnikov because he's too much like me (Goddammit it. Why Rodion Romanovich? Goddammit why?!) I often ask people how it would be like if everyone was their opposite gender.... Think about it. I had a dream where I jumped off a building. Right when I landed, I woke up by the shock that ran through my body. I had that dream in class. Aglaia Ivanovna is one of the female characters I can most relate with because Prince Lev Nikolaevich Myshkin is love. I've contemplated suicide but I knew I couldn't do it because I knew it was stupid. Stories are for children, I've been told, so let me stay as one for a while longer. I had imaginary friends when I was small. Frankly, I'm lonely, but that's because I miss people I shouldn't be missing. I have this wild notion that one day a prince will swoop me off my feet and take me away...seriously now, how many times does that happen? I believe it anyway. I am not afraid of commitment. I'm just in denial that people actually like me. I hate my real name. My pseudonym is created from my first, middle and last names. Cell phones are overrated and costly and I vowed to never have one until I was old enough to pay for one myself...my parents got me one anyways. Darn. I'm scared to DEATH by spiders or anything with more legs than necessary. I'm nocturnal. I can't dance but I try, and fail, HORRIBLY. I like the waltz. Lace and flowy dresses is a love I keep to myself. People think I'm emo. I'm not. I'm me so get it straight. I'm a Psychological Horror enthusiast. I cover the walls of my room with pictures and drawings so, when I come home, I know someone wants me home. I've walked one hour in the rain to go home once and liked it. I sing terribly but that doesn't stop me. I blame myself too much. I want someone to tell me it's okay and that everything's going to be all right and MEAN IT. My characters are what make me get out of bed in the morning. They tire of me overstaying my welcome in my dreams. I can't hold on to anything good for me because I purposely want someone to hate me so I can hate myself. I absolutely dislike the slamming of doors or any variation of loud noises. It reminds me too much of when my tyrannical mother would scream and shout about the little things. My door was kicked down because I said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Go figure. I had hands wrapped round my throat as I was on the ground, and all because I was crying. A certain someone was witness to this and didn't do a thing. Begging for forgiveness helps but my pride took a hard hit. I can't trust anyone but myself. It isn't official but I'm insane, if not that, then I'm slowly going mad. I want to run away so so badly but I know there's nowhere for me to go. The only hell and heaven there is is what you define them to be. If I did something wrong, I did something wrong, it doesn't matter what you think. I'm scared of the dark because I remember what I don't want to remember. I want to fall asleep and never wake up. Someday I'll grow wings and fly away.
9 years ago
May 3, 2009 at 12:08 AM
My entry for this weeks Sunday Scribbling topic. SiO is everywhere on the internet and it's much more interesting than a boring old post confession. :)
I feel lighter already,
Laelah
May 3, 2009 at 3:24 AM
Enjoyed this. And pardon my ignorance but what is SIO?
May 3, 2009 at 5:01 AM
Susan, SIO is Shout It Out.
Laelah, I want to hug this...and you. It's gorgeous and sad and angry and lonely and soooo human. Keep writing, and singing, and dancing.
May 3, 2009 at 8:47 AM
Laelah,
Wow. Very interesting and heartbreaking at the same time, keep your chin up. I believe you to be an extrodinary teen who is going to do great things one day..its just getting through the day of today that is the challenge sometimes. Becuase we know some things that happen, just plain don't make a lick of sense.
Honestly, I'm not sure if I could do one of these posts right now, since my feelings and hurts are a mumble jumble of mess. Bravo for having the courage to post this.
May 3, 2009 at 10:07 AM
Interesting take on confession. The shift in font size, color and style is distracting and yet lends itself to the feeling that the words impart.
May 3, 2009 at 8:25 PM
i heard the emphasis and soul etching of your thougts in this post. fantastic!
May 4, 2009 at 3:55 PM
i love these thoughts! i can still relate to bringing myself down. we are our own worse enemies.. or our own worse critics.
May 4, 2009 at 3:58 PM
hey, can you help me with something? Luna said you helped her get a template from btemplates and I was wondering if you could help me, too because I'm having trouble too. thanks!
May 6, 2009 at 11:42 AM
Well, I took the plunge and made my own SIO the day before yesterday, I called mine reflective Confessions though..
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